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comfort
November 2009 
How do you comfort those who are sad?
Posted on Nov 13th, 2008
by 
Doug
Doug
This is in Response to the Questions and Reflections for November 13, 2008:
I'm quick to listen and slow to talk. I want to create a space that allows for grief and sadness and the comfort knowing they are not alone. Hey, it's an integral part of this experience and there are gifts to be found, if we take the time. It means I have to be willing to be sad too. That part takes a lot of love and it's so much easier to isolate my own feelings and throw them a rope from the deck. "You shouldn't be sad, look at everything you have going for you."
Access: Public
Doug,
I am so coming to you next time I’m sad.
lots of virtual hugs
Ashley
TY Ashley! Hugs back ((()))
To me that is the best comfort, having someone listen whose motive isn't to try to make me feel better, or to distract me from my pain. Healing has to come from inside and is best nurtured in the sort of space you mention:
I want to create a space that allows for grief and sadness and the comfort knowing they are not alone.
I feel that you have created it.
Thank you.
My Mom has been the best teacher for me in this regard. She wants to “fix” people who have anything other than happy feelings. She's going through a rough patch with my brother, who she wants desperately to “fix,” but who is adamantly determined to stay “broken.” I think the inability to be, as you wrote, “quick to listen and slow to talk.,” stems from our own discomfort with sadness. I agree with Ashley, you'd be a great person to have around when one is sad - you're tuned in, instead of trying to sing a happy song over-top the crying.
Hi Ruth,
I was reading the book Soulcraft recently and read about an America Indian practice where young people are wedded to a tree for 5 years and this is a prerequisite for marrying a person. Seems to me that practice would be good to adapt in our culture as trees are great teachers on how to listen.
TY for stopping by!
Hi Catherine,
Wow, yeah I've seen that kind of battle as well, especially between mothers and their children. When my daughter was going through her rough period it was really hard for my wife to accept the place my daughter was in, well me too, especially since it was so clear to us that it was her wrong thinking that got her there to begin with. You do want to just jump in and fix it when it's someone close who is suffering, but you can't. Like the analogy of throwing a rope and if you do throw the rope and they don't want to be saved they'll just swim further away from the boat.
There is such a wonderful depth to people who have made friends with sadness and with all human feeling. Somehow you just know it when you meet someone like that, like its a secret society, like divers in a world of floaters.
Oh gosh, Doug, well said. I've had to learn this with my youngest daughter – to stop trying to fix her and “make” her be happy! It meant I had to be sad, accept that she might not survive her sadness, and more than anything, just be a true listener.
I'm intrigued by the story of wedded to the tree! Am going there to check it out now!
…quick to listen and slow to talk. That’s the best way to let someone feel their feelings without discounting them, or rushing them to be finished. Culturally we’re often uncomfortable with sadness, so it’s a great gift to have friends who can hold the space of being with sadness.
Hi Judi, My apologies for the late response.
Wow, I hear you. We went through a real rough time with my daughter although it wasn’t sadness it was depression. That was really hard to be with because it was based on an unhealthy thinking pattern and you want to just jump in and do the rewiring but it doesn’t work that way huh?
We had to learn how to listen without judging and wanting to be the parental authority.
Hi Janet, TY! Yeah I’m not sure if it’s a cultural thing or if it was just my family who would gloss over bad feelings with statements like “you don’t really feel that way, blah, blah, blah.” So the message was to keep you “stuff” hidden behind a fake smile. I’m so glad to know real people!